Yesterday was another really hard day. Some moments of tears and some moments of strength. Heather got in to town so it's nice to have the family together for this. We went to see mom at the hospital and I talked to her as soon as I entered the room and one of the machines spiked high with respiratory, so I am convinced she knew I was there and heard what I said. We are being strong and getting everything down for her so she can just rest and fight this pneumonia. The news yesterday was she is still on 110% oxygen and the body is taking in 78% of that and using it. The day before was 72%, so that is an improvement. They are still growing cultures to see what type of pneumonia this is but in the meantime they are giving her 4 antibiotics. Which are still not working. :( The pneumonia is still just as strong. Her heart is struggling big time. The meds they were giving her to keep her bp at 96/50 had to be raised from 300 to 500. Keep pumping little heart, come on!! Her kidneys are still working so so. Her temp is between 102 and 103.1. Which is a good sign cause it means she is still fighting with the immune system and the high temps will start to kill the pneumonia. So they are not giving her tylenol unless it goes above 103.5 which could be dangerous for her in other ways. They started the experimental drug yesterday and so far no side effects from it. She will be given that for 96 hrs. I touch her a lot and let her know I am there and I will not give up on her and that everyone is praying for her. That's all we know right now. She is still critical but stable at the moment. They said this could take days 7-9 before we see improvement. But it's ok, as long as she keeps fighting, then we are ok. It's when she gives up fighting that we have to really be concerned. And my mom has a will to live, so I know she is fighting with all she has. She will have plenty of rest time when she is in recovery. Right now she has to work as hard as hell. I try to stay by family until bed cause I am not too safe with my thoughts alone. I cry more when I am alone and not that crying is bad, but it's just a lot. I was exhausted last night and slept much better then the night before. I laid down at 7pm and fell asleep. I was woken 6 times by calls until 11pm, but that's ok. I need to know people care and are there. Then I slept well until about 8am. Waking 2 times to get a drink, go potty and feed the begging cats. Ok, well, I will keep you posted soon. I love getting your emails, so thanks.
Hanging on,
Heidi

I'm in a nightmare but I'm not waking up. I slept maybe 3 hrs. I'll start at the beginning, for those that don't know what is going on. On Monday night my parents returned from Disney and my mom said she felt really tired and worn out. Not too unusual for the walking around all weekend thing. For those that have been to Disney know it's a lot of walking. Well, she went to bed and called in to work on Tuesday. She felt like she had the flu. She was weak, vomiting, coughing some and had a slight fever. By the evening the fever was 103. I talked to her before going to bed. Just the usual I love you's and talk to you tomorrow. Wednesday came and I called to check on her at 12noon. She didn't answer. I figured she was asleep. At about 4pm my brother called and said they took her to the hospital. Apparently she had pneumonia. They were giving her IVs of antibiotics and breathing treatments. She said there was no need to come see her, she was fine. So yesterday, Thursday I get up and plan to work. Well, my car won't start. The battery is dead. I got a ride from Jen and was at work in time. I talked to my dad around 9am and the dr had just called him and said they needed to put her on an intibator aka life support to help her breath and let the drugs work on her lungs. I talked to the dr at around 4pm and he said she was critical and things could change at anytime. I had been crying all day by now, but this is when I lost it. I called Erica and she came home from work early. Dad and I went to see her and I was not prepared for what I saw. She was so sick. She is so sick! Hooked up to every machine and it is all keeping her alive. At this point, without the machines she would not be here. The pneumonia is attacking her organs now and she is in multi organ failure. My mom is full of fluids but her body is having a hard time fighting. The kidneys, blood pressure and oxygen level keep dropping to dangerous levels. They are going to start an experimental drug today. The only thing left to do is pray her body fights like hell and she has the will power to live. My sister is flying in today. And dad, Heather and I are going up to the hospital to get an update from the dr. My brother is having a hard time and he refuses to come to the hospital. That is his way of dealing with it. I want to stay there 24/7 but I know I will be 100 x worse if I do. I had to sleep, even though it was so short. I have today off work of course. I don't want to hear any change at this point. The dr said yesterday that no change is good right now. Even for 5 days. Her body needs to just build strength and fight this so she can survive. This is a serious type of pneumonia that kills most people that get it. I am not sure how I am still functioning right now. I am doing it for her....my mom. She would want me to hold it together and fight. And that I will continue to do as long as she does the same thing!! It will be another story if things get worse. I talked to her last night as if she could hear me. No one knows if she can. She is in a drug induced coma and paralyzed so she can fight the pneumonia and not work hard or worry about anything else. But I told her I am ok and that she needs to keep fighting and beat this. She is too young to go. Only 58 yrs old. I can't lose my mom yet....I can't!
-Heidi

I almost never post here. No one seems to want to be my friend and read what I write. But it's mainly cause I prefer opendiary. But it's done due to security reasons. I hope they figure it all out. I rely on my journal to write and get stuff out of my head.
I am still feeling miserable. I came home from work last night and wrote a 2 page letter to Jen. I figured if maybe I get some stuff off my chest then maybe I'll feel better. Then I went to bed at 7:30pm and cried myself to sleep. I went to work today and took 2 naps with Landen. That is 3 days in a row that I took 2 naps. Should I say depressed? It sounds like it. But I told Risa how I've been feeling when I saw her on Tuesday and she said, "It'll get better. Don't do any drugs. I'll see you in 6 wks." Whatever! Seems like she just wanted me out of her office. I know I'm a bit difficult, but come on!! Theresa listens and seems to care at least! Risa, no way!!
I am not sure what Jen thinks about the letter. She talked to me briefly today and didn't mention it. But I know she read it cause I heard her come by and get it last night. I personally don't care what she thinks. I am in the I don't care kind of mood. The urges to cut and burn have been strong today and yesterday. But of course I won't give in. Those are not an option either!! I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I haven't got a damn clue. I mean, part was PMS, I figured that out. But my period ends tomorrow and I am still sensitive, angry, crabby, and miserable. I want to just isolate. I see no reason to get happy about anything. I am 58 days clean from drugs and who cares!!? It's not like I feel better. I did for a few weeks. It was great actually. But nothing happened exactly except I started to feel and not like what I was feeling at all. But I behaved and sat thru it. That seemed to stir up more feelings and more dislikes. Maybe it's because I am feeling and there are so many bottled up feelings that it's gonna take awhile to get them all out. Does that make any sense? I have no clue. I just know I don't like what I'm experiencing. And tomorrow I am going shopping with mom and this isn't going to be easy to fake being ok. But she'll just assume the drugs are back and she'll worry. I am ok. I am not happy and really, I'm a little scared right now how intense I feel what I'm feeling, but several things are no longer an option, so I am not afraid I will slip into those behaviors. No drugs, binging, cutting, burning, sex, etc. I will be ok. Right? Please let it be soon! I am tired. I nap a lot, I cry a lot, I fake my mood at work, etc. But a person can only do that for so long.
Cat litter box needs scooping. I better go. I can't fall apart totally. I am a "mom" to 3 cats.

She stated:
Proverbs 24:16
For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again

I love that. It doesn’t mean that if someone falls to the same struggle eight times than you better look somewhere else. What it means is that a believer can get right back up no matter how many time one falls into any sin or failure. It’s not based on how good the person is, but on the grace of the Savior. It’s written that His grace is more than enough for any situation. So if you are dealing with a particular failure or something you keep falling into, Christ has not given up on you. Just give it to Him in prayer, get back up, and keep pressing forward.

Wow, what a good way to see things. :)

My aunt Dawn found out about 2 months ago that she has cancer. It started in her gall bladder and spread to her liver. It's pretty well advanced. They brought in hospice last week to talk to her and help out. She will hopefully get to go move in with my aunt Donna and die there. I talked to her on the phone today. I cried the whole time. I tried really hard not to. She told me not to cry and to be strong. She doesn't want me to relapse because of her. She wants me to take care of myself and get better. She wants to know I'll be ok and take care of myself when she's gone. I can't even type this without breaking into tears. I am sure this is the last time I will talk to her and I'm glad I did, but I am very sad I couldn't go to IL and see her. I think I'll write her a letter. It's so hard though. I don't want to deal with death. I have had many family members die and it hasn't been easy at all. I start to think of all the winters that she came over and baked cookies with my dad and I didn't want to help cause I was a teen. I loved it as a child, but as I grew up I hated being around family. I know all teens (or most) go thru that and I need to forgive myself for it. She is my grandma's sister. My grandma is the oldest, then Donna, then Dawn, then Herb. My dad is a few years younger then Dawn and a few years older then Herb. So she was more like a sibling to my dad then an aunt. We always called then aunt and not great aunt. I guess I feel a little like aunt Dawn. She was the sibling that struggled most in life and wasn't as successful as her siblings. I feel that I can relate to her. She also loved cats, like me. It's really hard for me to think of her being gone forever. Makes me so sad. Makes me scared of losing my parents soon. I mean, aunt Dawn is just 3 yrs older then my parents. Sigh.....I don't like this part of life. I know it happens to everyone but that doesn't make it any easier.

:(

I've about had it. I have left therapy for the 2nd time in 2 weeks, both times leaving and ready to give up. I know everything Theresa says is right and I need to suck it up and just follow what she says. But my immature, rebellious side gets so pissed and feels like it's just impossible. She wants me to stop saying how hard things are and do them anyways. Trust that it's really not that hard of a thing. And trust that the reward is so worth it. She also thinks I need to give up ALL bad habits. That doing just one leads me to do all the rest. I know she's right. I just don't like it. I want to work on no coke, no pot, no binges, but allow myself the pain pills. She just can't see that happening. She says she knows me too well and eventually one leads to the rest. I know she's right. That is why it upsets me so much. I am so against giving all these things up. Damn it I hate this immature, stubborn side of me. And to tell you the truth, sometimes I think I'd rather just kill myself then to give up some of my pride and just do what she says. It's not really pride actually. I am not proud of my behaviors. I am just so fearful of letting it all go. So I need to decide what I'm going to do. I'm furious with myself right now and want to say, Fuck It! Adios world! But then again I want to succeed and prove to myself that I can do this and be happy. Do I not want to be happy? Of course I do. I just wish it didn't involve work. She wants me to let the great person inside me come out and be what I am meant to be. GGRRRRR, I don't see that great person others see. And she says it's cause I won't let go and give this my all and trust. Maybe it is because of me. But I am miserable this way. I feel like a complete mess in my head. I'm so mad!! I was suppose to leave to go to ANAD but I didn't trust myself to drive over the bridge. The urges to end it are so strong. So instead, I isolate at home. Crying and wishing to disappear. I want to binge, purge, cut, burn, take a million and one pills, get high, fuck whoever wants to fuck me and just numb out!! I want to scream and not be me anymore!!! But I also long to be happy and get passed these urges and find out who I am and can be. I want to treat my body with care and respect. I am so tired of the life I have lived. I want to really live this time!

So I sit here and just stare at the screen and wall and do nothing so that I don't do the wrong thing. When will it come to me that it is ok to move and do what I need and really want?

Here's a neat saying that they gave me at the hospital:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

I want my destiny to be something I am proud. Changing my directions in life is how I do that, but why do I feel so stuck?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's what I just wrote to my therapist after I calmed down:

After that I started to calm down some. I decided to make dinner. I had a tuna sandwich, 1 serving of Fritos and a big salad with fat free dressing. I will allow myself fruit for a snack tonight. But that's it. I can do this. I am sorry that I overreact sometimes. The good thing is I didn't give in to urges. Missing ANAD was probably not the smartest decision, but the way my mind was thinking, it was best to come home and not drive anymore.

And last week, when I left your office I was furious as well. I came home and took a 4 hr nap. I think next time I am in your office I need to tell you what is going on rather then sit there silent. I feel really bad for acting this way and "switching" to rebellious teenager Heidi. I know I do it, I am not proud of it. I will work harder on accepting what you say and trusting it is what I need to do. I may act like I don't want to get better at times, but Theresa, believe me, I do. I want to be a good person that takes care of herself and accomplishes things. I guess that means giving up old thoughts and actions. And just doing it regardless of my fears.

Thanks for sticking by me. You really are a great therapist and I feel you can help me make my life better. Now is my turn to do the work.

I'll keep you posted on my days. And now I will look up OA meetings and attend one ASAP.

I spent 10 days in Wekiva Springs cause I was going to jump off a bridge. Had the one picked out and all. But the part of me that wants to live spoke up.
So, I am now clean from cocaine and pot. I am keeping it that way!!!!! But I have done pain pills everyday since I got home on Thursday night. All except for today. I did Percecets Thursday and Friday. Methadone on Saturday. And Sunday Roxicodone. Am I bad? Probably. Sigh..... But it's not coke or pot.
And I'm not bingeing! That's good, right? Can't make everything perfect at once, right?

Here's what I just sent my therapist:
I'm not having a very good night and frankly it's because of the choices I have made tonight. But I need to write to you to stay safe. Because right now I don't feel safe. I had school today. I drove to the north campus and when I got there I decided to turn around and go home. I've had it with school. I was suppose to have a test and didn't even read the chapters. I did the homework by copying the answers at the back of the book. I went home and called the teacher. I told her I think it's best I withdrew from my 2 classes. I added up my grades so far and I was getting a D and an F in the 4th week and there are only 8 weeks. I'm not giving it my all like I promised. I am not doing well on tests cause I am guessing. I know quitting is the easy way out. But I guess that is the choice I made today. I feel disappointed in myself and very sad that I have come to this level and I'm the one that has the control to turn it around. So I made another bad choice and bought coke and did an 8 ball with Jen with school money that I had saved for next spring. Nice one Heidi. Made me forget stuff for a few hours, but now I'm on the downfall. I am wide awake of course and getting depressed. Having thoughts like you wouldn't believe. I want to cut, overdose and jump off the bridge. I'm tired Theresa. You have to be too. And you know what makes me more upset? That this is all in my hands and I am the one in control and needs to make the choice. Makes me feel like a failure for not choosing the right thing. For not fighting harder. For giving up. And now I want to lie even and not tell my parents about school. It's all a mess. On my drive home from taking Jen to Raz's, I had to force myself to think of reasons to stay alive. The cats came to mind. They need someone to feed them. I prayed to God to help keep me strong thru tonight. I thought of how sad mom and the rest of my family and friends would be. I thought of you. Of how you never give up on me. So I can't either. But I can't even cry. It's like I feel a sense of peace waiting for me to give in and end things. And the binges....they are still with me daily. And on the 2 days they weren't, I overate. I woke up everyday since I last saw you and restarted my plan to do well. But I lost the fight and gave in every night. I'm not strong. I can't do this. What do I do now? Do I go for help? Do I lay in bed and wait it out? Do I say goodbye and kill myself? I hate this. I read something in a book called the Suicidal Mind that said, never kill yourself while you are suicidal. That you must have a clear mind when you make such a big decision like that. If tomorrow when your mind is clear you still want to leave, then so be it, but while a million thoughts run thru your head, don't make such a permanent decision. It makes sense. Tomorrow I may not feel like this. Maybe give it one more day and see. I can't go to the hospital again. There is nothing left to teach me. I know all that is left is hard work and that is what I am choosing not to do for some reason. I want the easy road. Where is it?
I guess I will try to get tired and stay online to distract myself. I will promise to check in with you tomorrow when I wake up so you know I am ok.
If you have any words of wisdom or special powers to help me I'd appreciate it. Until then....thanks for listening.
-Heidi

Not sure if I mentioned that I have had nightmares the last 4 nights and so I am having a hard time going to sleep tonight. And I have to be up in less then 6 hrs for work. This is going to be fun. :( I got angry with Jen's bf and that set off my mood and I am having a hard time calming down. It was really no big deal. He promised to give me $10 for giving Jen rides cause her car is broke and like all people in my life right now, didn't follow thru. Well, tonight I had a headache and was tired cause of my not so restful sleeping lately. So I was determined to take the anger out on me, like usual. I wanted to pick up a stranger for sex but thank God passed on that one. Now my head is filled with cutting with a sharp knife. Binging is out of the question however due to watching Dr Phil tonight. I don't even feel I deserve food after that show. 60 lb anorexic/bulimic. God I wanna be her! Why did my eating disorder have to go the other way?????

I think I need an Intervention. Like the show. Where they pay for 90 days or more in treatment. At a place that fits the person. God, I feel like I am a mess. Binging, coke, pot, cutting, burning, pain pills, random sex, suicidal.... How much more til Dr Phil or some show helps me????

I feel like a failure. I have had help and it hasn't made me better. It has helped some and shown me light at times, but in general, I am still a mess. Always resorting back to the same old crap!! Scared to get better and scared to succeed. Yet miserable in the hell I create!!!

The nightmares....oh, I will have to talk about them in therapy and oh how I don't want to talk about them. I want to just ignore them and let them go. But a part of me won't let them go. They come back, over and over again. Some of the things I have talked about in therapy. Why hasn't it gotten better??? I thought talking made it better? GRRRRR! I am so frustrated right now. I want to rip myself apart and erase me from everyone's mind so no one will hurt!!!!

I want to live in fantasy....not reality! No more real stuff please........

I was trying so hard last night not to do coke....but caved. I didn't wanna feel. What did I not want to feel? I don't want to even go there!! Maybe I will in therapy. But I gave in and did the coke...for a few hours. Then was up til 5am. Finally when the coke wore off I binge....not as bad as I could have, but it was 23456 miles a minute and almost choked me as usual and I felt nothing. As if I wasn't even in my body. Spagetti with meat sauce, munster cheese, donuts and water. I was going to purge it but decided against that. Didn't want to wake Jen cause I am a loud puker. I am ashamed....so low....so bad. I can not afford to gain anymore weight. I am 400+ lbs. Scared to step on the scale. God, I need help. But not until I feel I can give it my all. But I am not sure I will make it that far. Bad thoughts are starting, thank God the good thoughts quickly come to mind and stop me.
Until next time.......

Not like anyone reads my journal here, but whatever, I'll post it anyways:
FINISH THE THOUGHT...



My ex is still: married to me



I'm listening to: a tv commercial



Maybe I should: ...don't should on yourself!!



I love: my cats



My best friends: mean so much to me



I don't understand: mean people



I lost respect for: Tom Cruise when he said what he did about Brooke Shields and mental illness.



The meaning of my screen name is: vndsl stands for Vin Diesel (my favorite actor) and 6 is my favorite #

Love is: a great thing to have and a terrible thing to lose.



Somewhere someone is: having great sex



I will always: love babies!



Forever seems like: too long when you're sad and too short when you're happy.



I never ever want to lose: my mom



My mobile phone is: a part of me...I completely love it



When I wake up in the morning: I don't usually want to get up




I get annoyed at: the choices I sometimes make



Parties are: fun but sometimes a dangerous thing for me



My pet: is my life



Kisses are: not given to me enough



Today I: am having a good day



I really want: a baby



I live: in Florida



I work: with a sweet boy named Aiden



I think: about the past wayyyy too much sometimes



I smell: clean



I listen: to people that don't bore me and go on and on about politics



I see: things clearly close up, but they are blurry far away



I sing: along to my favorite songs

I can: do whatever I set my mind to!



I daydream: about winning a large amount of money



I fall: when I walk in the dark in a place I am not familiar with



I want: to lose weight



I cry: in therapy A LOT!



I love: cheese



I sometimes: make very bad decisions



I fear: bees stinging me and having a bad allergic reaction

I hope: I can stay out of the hospital this whole year



I eat: way too much when I am depressed



I drink: as little regular soda as possible but I still love it



I miss: my friends and family in IL



I forgive: sometimes, but NEVER forget



I drive: a 99 Ford Taurus



I dream: of high school very often



I kiss: my cats cause I love them and don't think it's gross (not french kissing, don't worry!)



I hug: people in person and online...((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))



I have: a lot of positive support in my life



I remember: very little of what I learned in high school



I don't: like my body at all



I need: to get serious about my health before it's too late



I believe: this will be a good year



I know: I can accomplish things that are scary to me if I really try hard



I hate: that life is hard

I stayed coke free from the 5th til the 23rd. Then I did 1 line. Now I am doing a few lines on the 24th. It's ok tho. It won't be a habit. Just an occasional thing. I promise. Can't get depressed like before. That was terrible. I can do it this way. Right?

I'm not sure I want to stop. I want to use it to lose weight. I also like playing the danger game with my heart. Seeing if it can handle how much I do. I know it's better to stop now before it gets to be a problem, but maybe I want it to be a problem. Maybe I want to be "sick" again. Not graduate. Not be successful. I am scared. I just want to be thin. I look at pictures of myself and I can't believe that that is what others have to look at. My lower stomach is huge and is so ugly. I can't believe I have let myself binge for so many years and made me such an ugly, fat being. I hate myself. I don't want to be like this anymore.

Been doing coke quite a bit with Jen. I am liking it too much. I feel so happy on it and I don't eat. I love that part. Nights with no binging. Can't go wrong there. I'm not depressed afterwards or anything though. I just need to be careful. I get it for free too. I did pay $10 once. Man, I am in heaven on this stuff. Kind of scary. I see how it can become addicting.
Anyhow, very tired of school. Bitch teacher is not being very understanding when the test freezes. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore right now and ruin my mood.
I don't write here very often. I come to read from my favorite girl Caitlin and then write my own enteries on opendiary but I do try to check in here every so often though.
I'm obsessed with Caitlin. Not gonna be a stalker or anything. God I'm not crazy. I just really think she's smart, amazing and I love reading what she writes. I like how she isn't afraid to do what she wants and be who she is. And the fact that her mother is my favorite person in the world can be partly why I crave her so much. Wish she knew me and wanted to know me.

Sometimes I think I am obsessed. But too embarrassed to ever admit it to anyone. I don't even know why it's an obsession. I don't even know what I want to know. But I try to get all the info I can so that I can decide for myself. But the one comment that was said years ago will never leave my mind. Wishing she died is so cruel. But I have been cruel. Who hasn't?
No one reads this journal. Wish someone did. Wish I was on someone's friends list. Oh well....that's why I have Opendiary. But it's acting up this week. And I really need to journal. I'll just do some here and some to myself on email and then copy and paste later.
Thanks for being there....whoever.

I feel like I should just check out and say my goodbyes. Cause when it rains it pours. I made a promise to Theresa that I would be ok and do what I need to to get better but then I crashed and it all got worse. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I get out of my hole? Anyone care to bury me? Please!

Today was the last day I'll babysit Aiden for 2 weeks. He's going to Minnesota for a week and then grandma is gonna come to town for a week. It's gonna be a nice break in a way, but I sure do love him and enjoy our 2 days a week together! He is gonna be 9 months old next week. He is getting so big. Has 2 teeth and working on the 3rd. One of the sweetest babies I've ever known!
I wanna binge. But I have done so good at tracking my calories and I am at my limit. GRRR. I am not hungry. I am just in the mood to feel numb as I push food down my throat at top speeds and almost choke. I know, how can that be pleasent you ask. It is only pleasent for a short period of time really. Then I feel guilty and full as hell and gross. So I wanna stay strong and stay online til I am ready to bypass the kitchen and go straight to dreamland!
I almost gave in and hunted down a joint tonight. I was frustrated with my midterm. It's pretty tough. I have 10 out of 40 questions left. I pray I do well. It is 20% of my grade. An A, B or C will do for me! I was good and stayed away from the drugs though. Thank God! I am 38 days pot-free.
The antibiotics I am taking for my arm infection is killing me. I get terrible heartburn and tummyaches. Ugh. But the arm is healing. So that's the good thing.
Ok, I am gonna go check out some other websites. Night!

I am tired of going on. Fighting my thoughts and urges to numb out is getting old. Really old. I continue to live for others. Not for myself. What the hell kind of life is that? I am 32 and should have a life for myself. One I am proud of and one that is grown up and adult like. Not the life I go thru and create for myself. Sigh.....
I'll continue to go on for now....but for how long I don't know....

I wanna be Caitlin. I want to trade and be her. I want Theresa to be my mom and I want to start over at age 18. I don't want to be me.

They run my life. I have made a commitment to not abuse them anymore and to not smoke pot anymore. I have to give the pills that I take for depression a chance to work. I love the feeling of being numb on pills....but I love the thought of feeling happiness from the pills I take to get rid of my depression. I want that the most. Happiness. Or at least knowing I gave my all to try to be happy. Pills can help me when I am not clogging my mind with other, non-prescribed pills. This is not gonna be easy. But what is? They say the things that are worth it are worth fighting for. So we'll see if 'they're' right. I will fight to survive. I will get the help I need.
Please God...and my angels...help me thru this.

I wanna be sick. I need to get sick. I ate way too much pizza. 7 huge slices. I am can barely breathe. Why do I do this to myself? I hate this. I promised Theresa I would really try to not binge. But the worry. The worry of the SSI check not in my account today plus PMS starting freaked me out. I felt I had to stuff my face. I am gross. I should have just cut or burned myself. I feel so disgusting right now. No one knows the real me. If they did...they would run. I wanna run. But my fat ass can barely walk. Oh God! Like Caitlin always says....someone kidnap me. Take me away from this life I have made for myself. That I have ruined for myself.
How can I ever love myself? I can't....I can't....